jump to navigation

Out of Office message: Employee 23279 has left the building May 21, 2006

Posted by Dale in : Humour, Last Job, Resignation , Comments

Once received this from someone I emailed at another company.

-~-~-~-~-~-~

I will be out of the office starting 23/12/2005 and will not return until 31/12/2099.

Hi there,

If you’ve got this mail from me then it means that you hadn’t realised that I have finally escaped from HAL before good old Uncle Larry managed to outsource my role to India, Malaysia, Outer Mongolia or somewhere else cheaper than the UK.

If you’re mailing me because you have a DIALUP or a SECURID problem then I’m very pleased to say that I am no longer able, willing or interested in being able to assist. If you don’t have a reference number from the helpdesk then you really shouldn’t be mailing me before getting one anyway.

After six and a half years of being employee number 23279 to HAL I am really looking forward to starting my new role with a smaller company in which I will actually be known by my name! I’m told that my new company are also keen to invest in training for me which will indeed be a novelty after the last several years.

For anyone that has tried to get in touch with me for non HAL related reasons you can still get hold of me through Schoolmates Reunion or at the Carron Tavern, Melbourne.

So, arrivederci, adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen. I’d like to say it has been fun, it certainly was in the early days but, to be honest, the last four years have been dreadful.

All the best for the future,
Employee 23279.

Bad Lies To The IT Guy - I think I’ve heard it all May 5, 2006

Posted by Dale in : Humour, Security, Stories , Comments

In all the years I’ve had in IT, I think I can say that I’ve heard every lie in the book.

“I don’t know how a got a virus!”
Simple. You surfed to hotmailorderbrides.com and you got infected.

“My son used my computer and now it has ‘Stripper Girl’ loaded”
See above.

“I was never told we couldn’t surf pr0n.”
Did ‘new employee’ training did we? You know, where you were told you couldn’t do that.

“It was an accident, it fell off the desk.”
Uh huh. Things don’t fall of the desk when we have earth tremor rated 7 on the Richter Scale, but your old computer just fell.
Heard of our “new for old” replacement program, have we?

“My printer is printing ‘Braille’.”
Change the ribbon.
“Had the printer six years, and never had to do that before.”
Bull-hickey

“I don’t need to do a change control advisory for this simple request.”
Production system is it Dum Dum? DO the freakin change control advisory.

Tell me a lie, and I may be forced to write a report for management on the incident (and they’ll take no action, but we’re a CYA organisation)

Tell me the truth, and I’ll be your bestest friend, in a Burrell Smith kind of way.

Further reading -> BOFH

p.s. And people wonder why their IT guy is cynical. I’d have trouble recognising the truth these days from an computer user. Even if it bit me on the bum.