The rules of lending a car, and why rental/company cars are more fun.

half fullA friend has let me borrow her car.

You can tell she’s clueless in the “let someone borrow your car” caper.  It’s got half a tank of fuel in it!

Doesn’t she know that you only lend a car when it has a quarter tank full of fuel in it???  Or less fuel preferably.  Provided it’s got enough gas in it to get to the closest gas station, that’s the way it’s done.

As far as a car goes, it’s ok.  Sure it’s hard to get the thing sliding sideways around corners, it’s got Electronic Stability Control.

It’s also got Anti-lock Braking as well.  So no locking all four wheels up.

And by jingo’s, it’s an automatic!  So no frying of a clutch plate is possible.

Sure, I could pull the electric fuses for the ABS and ESC systems, that was the trick with earlier company cars.

But I’ve been drilled in the lessons of bastardy known as the Army Q-Stores.

We didn’t issue it to you like that soldier, so double away and clean it so it’s shinier than new.

So it’s been washed, and it might even have a full tank of full in it.
[Geeze woman, what were you thinking when you parked it under a tree?!?  It became the preferred toilet space for every bird in a five mile range.  “Oh look, shiny clean car. Bombs away chaps! Splat!!”]

So I’ve covered off the rules of lending a friends car (no fuel, leave it grotty); now on to why company and rental cars are more fun!  From before the days of the internet, I present:

How to Recognise a Company Car

  1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
  2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
  3. They enjoy much shorter braking distances.
  4. They can take speed bumps at twice the speed of private cars.
  5. They have a much tighter turning circle
  6. Battery and oil fluid levels; and tire pressures does not need to be checked
  7. The floor is shaped just like an ashtray.
  8. There is no limitation on the cheapest fuel that they can use.
  9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
  10. They can be driven up to 100 kilometres / 60 miles with the oil warning light on.
  11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
  12. The suspension is reinforced to allow carriage of concrete slabs and other heavy building materials.
  13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still moving forward.
  14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
  15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.
  16. No security is needed. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.
  17. They are built just right for towing boats and caravans.