I wonder how long until some corporate bozo asks for Microsoft Security Essentials

… in order to “save” money.

Once had a customer whinge about the cost of implementing an anti-spyware solution.

Someone told them that Spybot S&D was free.

Technically it was, as I told them, if you didn’t mind the fact that all of your 10,000 PCs would all want to download updates from the [...]

This enhanced web-case entry …

In my inbox this morning…

Enhancing your eService experience…

is a commitment from WXYZ Technical Support to you. Our goal is to continually evolve the content on our Support web site to help you get answers to your questions quickly or solve problems you are having…on-demand…7 days a week, 24 hours per day.

[...]

Why Service Level Agreements trend towards BS.

Work with a big enough organisation and you’ll come across the Service Level Agreement (SLA).

An SLA basically says, “we’ll provide you with x level of service, for y dollars.  If we don’t provide you with that service, we’ll give you something in return.”

That “something” might be a partial refund of your [...]

Customer Relationship Principles

Work cooperatively and productively together to meet agreed objectives Clarify objectives, expectations, requirements and agreements Proactively communicate and share information in a meaningful and timely manner Use agreed processes, procedures and engagement models Know and accept our responsibilities and deliver on those responsibilities Be flexible and prepared to consider innovative approaches to the [...]

eMail Template: Security vulnerability scan template

Something I collected some years ago, and with rework, I still use it today:

Ladies and Gentlemen,

As part of the XYZ Outsourcing Contract, ITCOMPANY Security provides several value-added security related services.  One of these is Vulnerability Scanning through coordination with XYZ IT Security.  We would like to perform this activity in the LOCATION [...]

Sometimes it’s easier to rebuild a system to fix the underlying problem.

Customer reported an issue with some voice recording software, and our on-site support staff looked at it.

Can’t find DLL

And they escalated the call to me.

Finally agreed a time with the customer for me to look at the problem.

So I started up Process Monitor (ProcMon) to see what was actually [...]

On corporate speak

I was a new employee trainer for 4 years, which means I could talk about my employers strategic direction and Customer Intimacy programs.

Customer Intimate?  I used to bristle at that.  Customer care, yes!  But I don’t want to be intimate with them.

Towards the end of my tenure, we had a Sailing [...]

Why? Is it gonna blow?!?

I’m careful with how I communicate with customers.  Not for them, terms like ProcMon, least user privilege, DLL Hell and PEBKAC.  Though for some of our support people, it’s an issue as well.

[...]

Acknowledge the user, to avoid the flack

So said a very experienced helpdesk leader I worked with.

It lets the annoyed customer to get all their annoyances out, and they calm down.  Of course, swearing at a helpdesk person is not permitted.

To get the helpdesk staff to remember "Acknowledge the user, to avoid the flack", he purchased some AFLAC ducks.

[...]

Cool costs me money.

Know your audience, and speak to them in their [...]