1.  An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec.  The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

    1. Not a creature will stir without permission.  This includes warrant officers and mice.  Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
    2. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December.  Uniform for the nap will be; Pyjamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position.  Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours.  While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher,  DD Form 1131, for all missing items.  Remember, this is the “season of giving.”
    3. Personnel will utilize standard “T” ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads.  Sugar plums are available in “T” ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.
    4. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG’s will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec.  All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.
    5. At first of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause.  Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes.  On order OPLAN 7-08 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash  throwing.  SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.
    6. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned “wandering eyeball” stations.  The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.
    7. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus.  The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operators license with  roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his  DA Form 348.  Driver must also be able to clearly shout “On Dancer, On Prancer, etc.”
  1. LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit.  Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec.  Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.
  2. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year”  or “Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night.” This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

Executive Officer

I first saw this when it was published to the alt.culture.military-brats newsgroup, way back in 1998.  It still brings a smile to me.